Cop A Squat With Me

Let's get in close and whisper about some interesting patterns among the humans in our lives. Or at least some of the ones in my life. And, before I get into this, this is not directed at any one person. In fact, it's not directed at anybody, just at ... life? I think this might come off as a rant, but I can't say it's 100% a rant. Maybe it's more like a fable?

Part of my journey from childhood to adulthood was realizing I'm one of those keep-able, back-burner friends.

Know how I know this? Because the following situation happens to me repeatedly:

I make a friend, we're close for a while, they find a shiny "new" friend to hang out with, I often get left out (not a big deal because my friends are not my life and I have other things to occupy me), then that new friend treats the person like shit and they come running back to me.

Now, don't jump to conclusions about what I'm saying. I'm not one of those people you have to look out for when choosing a friend / supporter / associate.

When it comes to spreading your friendship wings, I am not a flight risk. (And that is officially the cheesiest pun I've put on this blog.) Why am I not a risky person to keep around?

1) I don't hold grudges and I'm not *angry*. When this happens, I record it in my brain and try to analyze the reasons for why. I'm an observer and I see more by being quiet and watching.

2) I'm glad to be there for my friends and love them the way they deserve to be loved. This means, even if you do things most people would consider offensive (for example: alienating me for a short period) I would not find those things deal-breakers. I'm aware the people have their own lives outside of me. I know that I'm not the top-most priority in my friends' lives and I don't expect to be. I am *quite* low maintenance.

3) I do everything I damn well can for my friends. On top of that, I don't shit-talk about or intentionally put my friends down. I encourage, because that's what friends are for. I may be blunt and tell someone exactly what I think, if asked, but I will do it kindly and calmly. I do not act in anger, because that's how you kill a relationship damn fast. Plus, it takes me a LOT to make me mad.

NOTE: By the way, this is not me trying to convince you I'm "good" or whatever, this is me stating facts about myself to illustrate what has led me up to my latest conclusion.

Nessa, get to the point! What does all this rambling mean!?

The point of observing is to do something with the data.

Has my experience changed how I handle friendships?
I think how I handled things ten years ago and how I handle them now are remarkably different. I'm far less naive. I don't feel like anyone owes me anything, including time, love or effort. Do I give it? Yes. But, do I expect it? No.

What's the difference between naive and generous?
As I said, I'm a generous person (I live my life with that purpose and I say that in the most humble way possible. I am not seeking praise.), BUT I'm not a sap. I'll give, but I won't kill myself for another person. What do I sacrifice? Definitely creativity, always time, and sometimes even money. Then again, they say time is money. So, I guess those last two go hand-in-hand.

I think naivety comes with the expectation that you'll always get what you put in. You won't. Statistically, you just won't. Hard truth, but truth nonetheless.

What can be taken away from this is ...
I'm that back-burner, reliable friend that won't shit on you or bitch at you for not texting me every other hour (or day for that matter). I'm the one that values your time, supports you, is there during those late-night talks, offers advice and help when I can, gives you things I make for free (products of my blood, sweat, tears and creativity). Why? Because I know how valuable friendship is and I try to make the most of every single one

I think some people are bad at friends. They're not actually bad people. They're fine people, but they simply don't know how to be a good friend. They don't know how to love or support. They weren't taught how when growing up. They weren't taught to listen instead of just hear. They weren't taught to advise without malice or judgement. They weren't taught how to be objective and handle things with both logic and emotions in mind.

That being said, I know that some people are going to wander and think their new "shiny" friend is their best friend, but in reality, after that "new friend smell" wears off, it's people in your life that really care about you, people like me, that will be there, and won't even hold it over your head that you neglected them.

I guess the teeny-tiny moral of this post is that you should treat all of your friends with care. Some are not as understanding as I am and would get upset and drift away. I'm the kind that will keep asking you about your day...even on days when Facebook says "seen" and there's no answer for two days.

I'm the one that will leave the light on for you.

And when some of those new friends crap on you, I'll be in my little corner watching the drama unfold, helping you through it, holding out the tissues to catch your tears, and drinking my tea.

Why I Decided to Write

"In the end, we only regret the chances we didn't take."

I've heard this quote several times in various forms all over the Internet and in books. There are lots of things that happened in my mind when I first read it.

Regret is inherently a deep sadness about missed chances, and not only that, but acknowledging that the time for repairing the thing you regret--or in this chance taking the chance--is gone. It means you accept the loss of that thing. Regret is much deeper than sadness. It's a multi-layer, multi-level state of mind.

My grandfather never wrote his memoirs, though he had one of the most fascinating life stories I've ever heard. As he lay on his death bed, passing away slowly and painfully from aggressive Melanoma, I remember looking at him and thinking, "I wonder if there was anything in his life that he wished he could do and didn't." I didn't have the chance to ask him.

I was afraid to be like him, to be lying on my deathbed and wondering where the hours and days went, where those healthy moments when I could have done something productive and fulfilling went.

When he passed, I felt compelled to write. I always had been a creative person, and it made even more sense after seeing him pass, to pick up a pen and just ... go. I started writing in composition books with whatever writing utensil I could find. I reveled in the sound of pencil lead scraping paper, of stories unfolding, of villains giving up pieces of themselves for extreme passions, of heroes standing up and fighting corrupted dreams. Through rescuing my characters from plain and therefore terrible fates, I saved myself.

This book I'm writing is a product of realizing that life is short, and there is NO time to be storing up ideas for one day. One day is TODAY. My hands work. My mind works. My imagination is still fresh and still active. NOW is the time to pick up the pen and write.

It's time for any of you out there to pick up the pen and write.

Don't allow yourself the chance of waking up one day and regretting the chance you didn't take.

<3